There are times when I see the ‘Right Fighter’ in my Relationship Counselling work, sadly it’s a trait that rarely leads to good outcomes for the person.
What is a right fighter? Well, these people often exhibit behaviours such as being rigid and inflexible, superior and pompous, perhaps aggressive, fixated on being right (and the need for you to acknowledge that they are), and appearing to be primarily interested in scoring a win rather than having a negotiation.
They are also often the person who has to get the last word in during an exchange or consistently say things such as “yeah, but” after the other person has made their point.
Most importantly, they often seem to lack an understanding that they are this way, and it can be a difficult assignment trying to get the right fighter to consider other perspectives, or perhaps the bigger picture.
And they certainly aren’t validating the other person’s position and perspective in these tense moments.
When loving, caring, respectful, and constructive communication is needed they do the very opposite, and things tend to deteriorate from that point.
But, I ask this of the right fighters out there – what is the point of being right if it drives people away? There’s no point being right if you’re sitting in your home all alone, is there?
Sometimes the right fighter alienates themselves from their partner, family, and friends and this can lead to a sense of disconnection, loneliness, and depression.
There is a difference between being right and being effective in our communication and negotiation.
Dr. Rami Nader is a Canadian psychologist who gives a great real-world example in this video of the negative outcomes for the right fighter:
I really like that baseball game example, it shows just how easy it is to get caught up in even fairly trivial matters and the negative outcomes that can be a result.
You can imagine just how destructive these behaviours can be when they occur between people in situations where the stakes are much higher.
As Dr. Nader says, being a right fighter can be a significant block in achieving what we want to achieve.
