Counselling hundreds of people over the years opens your eyes to realities, and you begin to get a deeper feeling of where people are coming from and what they are experiencing.
You start to see the patterns in the fabric or the grain in the wood. You begin to see the common phenomena. In short, you get a greater idea of the themes that occur in other people and their lives.
What stands out to me definitively is the concept that there are two types of people – those who have a default position of ‘I’m OK’ and those who default to ‘I’m Not OK’.
The ‘I’m OK’ and ‘I’m Not OK’ life positions stem from a theoretical framework used in therapy called Transactional Analysis (or TA). Yes, I do use TA to a degree in my counselling work, but I’m not speaking strictly in terms of the TA definitions of these positions.
I find these defaults sit deep down inside each individual (almost in their DNA), and often stem from childhood experiences (though sometimes it can also be just in their nature or personality), and I believe it is very important to try and determine the default position of each person I work with.
‘I’m OK’ people need a certain approach, ‘I’m Not OK’ people need a different approach.
Just for a bit of additional background here, it is my understanding that one of the founding fathers of this default positions theory was the esteemed American psychiatrist, Lawrence Kubie.
Interestingly, it was his childhood trauma that may have helped him better understand what his patients were experiencing. Kubie’s mother was sick and passed away when he was just a small boy and this led to him virtually not eating for three years after her death.
To me, that feels like someone very familiar with the ‘I’m Not OK’ position. Despite this, he went on to a career that aided many, and most likely through his journey, he had to overcome, or at least work with, that default.
Here’s how Kubie explained the default positions:
“It is possible to make one certain deduction: namely, that early in life, sometimes within the earliest months and sometimes later, a central emotional position is frequently established…The clinical fact which is already evident is that once a central emotional position is established early in life, it becomes the affective position to which that individual will tend to return automatically for the rest of his days. This in turn may constitute either the major safeguard or the major vulnerability of his life.”
In my experience, if you have someone who has a default position of ‘I’m OK’ the chances are they are coming to counselling because factors outside of their inner experience are likely causing them stress or angst.
Perhaps their relationship isn’t running as smoothly as it could, they’ve lost someone important to them, or their next work contract doesn’t look like being renewed.
Take this external factor out of the equation and the chances are they aren’t in therapy. Help them move through the stressful thing (or period) and they generally get back on their feet and carry on.
In other words, the goal of therapy is to help them find their way back to their healthy default.
It appears to me that in the world of therapy (at least in counselling), the vast majority of people sit within this ‘I’m OK’ space, and they should be assisted in such a way that they should have faith in their own innate ability to right their ship.
The other type of person though, those who default to ‘I’m Not OK’ are people who are often much more sensitive to life’s struggles and disappointments.
The ‘I’m Not OK’ type is often caught on a treadmill.
It is not uncommon for these people to exhibit a strong need to sacrifice themselves for the betterment of those around them. They are self-sacrificers.
They may have learnt as a child that love and approval were things that had to be earned and could be taken away as well, so they can be in a constant state of alertness and arousal (which leads to increased emotionality, most likely exacerbating the situation).
They probably don’t look after their own needs very well (possibly leading to externally-focused resentment and anger and this goes against the narrative the person has of themselves that they are a “good person” – this can lead to people feeling they don’t know who they are).
They often don’t move forward in their own story, thus not building self-esteem and confidence as they confront things and grow from meeting setbacks and challenges.
You might see traits like pessimism, people-pleasing, avoidance and, in particular, conflict avoidance patterns.
This type of person also often struggles to enforce boundaries, this only increases stress and low self-esteem when people continue to invade their space. They can be emotionally enmeshed with those they love.
Often, they are very sensitive to chaos, a lack of control, and feeling overwhelmed by life’s demands.
And, as a coping mechanism, the ‘I’m Not OK’ person may have also adopted some bad habits (or coping mechanisms) that tend to only reinforce these issues (for example, being a chronic drinker, gambler or shopper).
Clients do tend to start to improve or grow when they understand and accept what their default position is and are given the correct support.
If you are an ‘I’m Not OK’ person the first step is to embrace your reality.
Working with a therapist like myself could help you start to break some of the patterns that may have been with you right through your life. What we will be aiming for is a default position of ‘I’m OK enough’.
I would like you to have additional awareness of what this phenomenon looks and feels like, and more resilience to ensure that you don’t have to spend any unnecessary time in the ‘I’m Not OK’ position.
Being in ‘I’m Not OK’ might be the worst type of suffering – unnecessary.
And, don’t forget that quite often ‘I’m OK’ and ‘I’m Not OK’ people can partner up and often this is a major hurdle in relationships (how can these default positions possibly understand each other?).
My relationship therapy approach encompasses an emphasis on skills and awareness to ensure that both people can understand and support each other, regardless of the default positions of the individuals involved.
