Couples in relationship counselling are often in these different life stages.
Once you start working at something you start to see some distinct patterns and one I’ve noticed is that there are often two types of couples looking for my help.
There is couple A, they have young children. Then there’s couple B, who have children in their late teens and early 20s.
I would suspect that of all the couples I’ve worked with in my relationship counselling duties those who have children overwhelmingly fall into one of those categories.
And, it is fair to assume that both couple A and couple B started the same way – love, connection, perhaps marriage, fun times, and adventure.
But then the children came.
I know, I have been there myself. You get handed a baby that you love instantly, that you want to protect and give the best possible start to life to.
In those first few months, you’re often tested to your limits with nappy changes, feeds, worries, and broken sleep.
The relationship with your partner has to go on the back burner, right? It is, after all, survival mode!
Hey, maybe you’re committed to giving your child a better childhood than you got.
That means you’re going to have to make even more sacrifices for them, not just now but for the next 18 years.
And, you know what, we can’t have just one child, they will need someone to play with, to learn how to share with, etc. So, let’s have a second baby, a third, a fourth even.
Those days of fun and adventure with your special person start to become a distant memory as children dominate your every waking moment.
That’s Ok, we will come back to looking after and growing the relationship later, right?
Well, that can be how we end up couple B.
Couple A is often between three and five years into parenthood and one, or both partners are starting to get antsy.
There’s unhappiness, and squabbling over little things, and intimacy (both sexual and just in terms of closeness) has all but disappeared.
Perhaps there isn’t a lot of family support, money is tight, or there are stressful work demands and commitments.
Sometimes these things are convenient scapegoats for an unwillingness to explore the potential that healthy relationships take effort.
We can, as a parent, lose our identity (maybe we didn’t know ourselves well enough before we jumped in?).
Often, we bring our baggage and emotional vulnerabilities into a serious relationship and these become exposed when the stakes (and the stress and exhaustion) increase.
How about if we didn’t know the differences between our parenting styles before we became parents? (after all, you both were raised in different households).
These are some of the common traits that couple A often presents with.
Dangers in not doing the work.
If you can’t grow together as people, and as a couple in these early years, for whatever reason, chances are you will get on with life and potentially become “two ships in the night”.
Two adults with a common cause, raise the kids and pay the mortgage, but you could drift apart, sometimes forever.
And that is couple B. “Joel, our kids don’t need us anymore but as a couple, we’ve become disconnected and we need you to help us fall in love again.”
Don’t become couple B.
Avoiding the “two ships in the night” phenomenon doesn’t just mean that you might be able to avoid hitting the dating scene at 55!
But you might be much better role models for your kids while they grow up.
How much better is life for an adult if they had been raised in a loving, happy, peaceful, and consistent home? Often, significantly.
Having parents who are committed to each other, enjoy each other, and care for each other shows children what they should or could aim for in their relationships.
But, more often than not, healthy relationships don’t happen organically. You have to work at it.
You have to be skilled and knowledgeable and maybe be open to not having all the answers, including that your way may not be the best way.
Primarily, it would be a real help if you both were open to the potential of growing and putting in the hard yards to get the payoff for each other and your kids.
Oh, and if you are couple B, don’t be afraid to have a go at reconnecting, it is possible, but it often does take time and effort.
If either of these situations sounds like you, and you’d like to discuss this more with me, please feel free to get in touch.
