If I told you that I had a goal of running a 10-second 100-metre sprint at the next Olympic Games you’d probably look me up and down and say “Joel, maybe you should find another goal”.
Sure, that response would be a little invalidating, no one says you can’t have lofty dreams and goals after all, but ultimately the Healthy Adult has to be realistic.
You have to work within your realities.
It’s all well and good for me to get fitter, buy some fancy running shoes, and maybe even employ a sprint coach to help me hone my (currently pretty much non-existent) running skills.
But, with the big 5-0 heading my way and a couple of decades doing my best to avoid a gym, I could make myself miserable trying to achieve something that just isn’t realistic (no matter how much I spend or sweat!).
Or, as the Buddhists would say – my clinging on to the desire for the unattainable goal would end up being a source of suffering.
When faced with reality, the Healthy Adult might instead say or think something like “Yes, it would be great to be the World’s fastest man, however, maybe I might be better off working towards a personal best time, rather than a World’s best?”
Let’s now transpose this across some of the other areas of our lives where we need to ascertain what our realities are and work with them, not against them.
The big one that I see, unfortunately, is often our inability to be realistic about the behaviours of other people.
I’m not saying that people are incapable of change, I’ve seen and experienced some pretty big transformations, but sometimes people pin their hopes on change in people who can’t change or don’t want to change.
It is sad to see, it is probably the worst part of being a Counsellor when someone comes to you looking for help and the thing they want (sometimes more than anything in the World) isn’t realistic.
Yes, of course, you have a go. You see what the options are. You strategize and discuss, try to negotiate, compromise, and grow, but if what you want just isn’t possible (for whatever reason) then you are only going to make yourself more unhappy trying to achieve it.
That is when you have to face the reality of the situation and use your Healthy Adult to try and make the right decisions (which could be a broad range of potential strategies).
By understanding and accepting your realities you give yourself the best chance of happiness and growth within yourself.
I mentioned Buddhism before, but here’s a good chance to use a little Taoist wisdom – float with the current of the river (you never know where it might take you), and don’t exhaust yourself trying to swim against it.
An example of this goes back to the 100-meter sprint – I could make myself miserable striving for an unrealistic goal, and probably quit when my reality finally becomes completely evident (no matter how I try I just can’t get close to 10 seconds…what a failure I am!).
Or, I could be realistic, I could get fit and work towards running as fast as I’m capable of…and then I’m a success regardless.