Trying to control things can only leave us feeling helpless
Most people would, if given the chance, go for a ride on a roller coaster. Why? Well, I think it is mostly about those wonderful few seconds when we know that we have given up all control.
We’re going where the roller coaster takes us and we just have to sit there and enjoy the ride!
It’s that buzz we get in that moment when we feel we are out of control.
But through years of working with my counselling clients, I have come to realize just how much it disturbs and upsets us when we consistently feel out of control.
When it comes to control, we crave it
Sometimes in childhood, we are placed into situations where we have no control. Think about some of the classic childhood trauma scenarios and look at them through the lens of the person having their control taken away.
I have noticed a link between people who have experienced adverse childhood experiences and control behaviours as adults.
Namely, they are often very much against losing control of their environment, their current situation, their relationship, and even themselves.
Losing control, or not feeling in control, can represent pain. It is no wonder then that they don’t want to experience that again.
The folly of trying to control everything
The trouble is that trying to control oneself, others, and situations outside of ourselves isn’t a healthy and sustainable way to live. It is a strategy that is filled with energy-zapping effort that only leads to actually losing control.
For example, you cling so tight that people slip through your fingers. Maybe they just don’t want to be around you anymore? Who has the control then? Certainly not you.
What can’t you control?
Stop and think about this for a second. What is outside your circle of control? Well, I would suggest pretty much everything.
You can’t control the weather. You have no real say in world events. The traffic is outside your control too. Oh, and how other people behave and what they say as well. How about the past? Do you have any control over what has been? No.
How about within yourself? Can you control how fast your hair grows? Do you have control over your heart rate? How about telling your nails to just stop growing?
The reality is you aren’t capable of controlling very much, and if you don’t wake up to this you might start to feel quite helpless. That is not a position of control.
The trouble is that often, the people who are trying to control the uncontrollable aren’t doing a great job of controlling what they can control.
So, what CAN you control?
If you had difficulties growing up and you are one of the many people who is burning themselves out trying to control things that are outside their sphere of control, gain a real sense of control by doing a better job of controlling what you can.
What can I control, Joel? Let’s think about it. Can you control your own words and actions? Yes! Do you have power over your choices and decisions? Absolutely! How about your mindset? I think so. And how about the way you treat yourself and others? For sure!
Let go of the load and focus internally
If you were to start to take control of the things you can control (think about the irony in that) and let go of the things that you can’t control, how do you think that would affect your life?
Can you see how trying to control the uncontrollable can lead to you feeling helpless? To me, I think battling uphill all the time and trying to do the impossible would only lead to exhaustion, stress, and pessimism.
For the record, helplessness, stress, exhaustion, and pessimism can all be pathways to depression.
I think letting go of the focus on external control could leave you with more clarity and self-awareness, more energy, better self-esteem (get your own house in order), more safety, and, ironically, a stronger sense of real control.
Oh, and don’t forget to go on the roller coaster (you can control whether you ride or not) and embrace that little taste of losing control!
