Enmeshment is one of those words that has come into the public domain in recent years, however, I think sometimes people aren’t entirely aware of what it is in interpersonal relationships.
In the book Family Therapy: An Overview (2008), Enmeshment is described as being where families have diffused personal boundaries, and there is an over-concern for others that leads to a loss of autonomous development.
In simpler terms, one person’s emotions spread to those around them.
This is just like the cogs of a machine that are all…enmeshed. One cog turns and because there is no separation every other cog or gear turns as a result.
Kind of like what you can see in this photo:
Of course, most of us are sympathetic and caring people, and when someone we care about is experiencing something it’s only natural that we become affected.
Enmeshment becomes an issue when it is at an unhealthy level.
When there aren’t healthy boundaries or separation and we aren’t aware of the enmeshment phenomenon we can get caught up in the other person’s emotions.
This means we are likely unable to feel our own authentic inner experience in that moment.
Being enmeshed with a person we care about is also a situation that doesn’t necessarily prime us to provide the person feeling the emotion(s) with what they perhaps want (or need) – validation.
For example, if you’re angry, and I’m angry because you’re angry, I’m probably unlikely to be able to help you with that anger. I might even make it worse for you when I say something invalidating like “I don’t know why you’re angry, I have something to REALLY complain about!”.
What we would likely be much better off doing is allowing the person to feel what they feel, validate that, and remain calm and measured, potentially asking the person after that validation if we can help them (this might even be just being there to talk).
That’s the difference between enmeshed and healthy.
Of course, we don’t want to be cold, distant, and completely disconnected from those we love. We just need to have a healthy gap that ensures we don’t get all caught up in the things that they are experiencing.
Like a lot of things, when we aren’t aware of the phenomenon or habit we can be doing it without noticing it, learning these things can make a big difference.
And I don’t know about you, but I think being in touch with our own internal phenomenon is enough, let alone being at the mercy of other people’s emotions – that just sounds completely exhausting.
If you feel that there is enmeshment in your relationship(s) and would like some assistance in potentially building some healthy boundaries, please make contact with me today for either an Individual or Relationship Counselling session.
