Great question, and a really simple answer…yes, unequivocally you should!
I’ve been a relationship counsellor now for almost six years and in that time I have worked with hundreds of couples. When you work with so many people, you start to see the themes.
One of the big themes or commonalities I’ve seen is that people seeking my help for their relationship overwhelmingly fall into one of two categories.
These are that they either have young kids or grown-up kids.
Not every couple has children, but there also seems to be a correlation with married (or otherwise committed) couples that start to feel some headwinds about three to five years in.
These scenarios say to me three things, firstly, people are typically OK until the stress and pressures of parenthood come along, second, many couples ignore their issues until the kids grow up, and lastly, the honeymoon period has a use-by date.
Do some work before you get married.
Many people have the wrong concept of what relationship counselling is. They have seen the TV shows and movies and they picture couples therapy as two people sitting far apart on a lounge who can’t stop arguing with each other.
Sure, sometimes couples are like that when they come to me for help. I say to them though that this phase is like coming into triage at the hospital, we have to stop the bleeding before we can talk rehabilitation!
But many couples aren’t like that (well, not all the time), and they can see that maybe some issues could be looked at and some potential relationship improvements made in pre-marriage counselling.
This is the best way to look at investing in some outside support and expertise before the stakes rise significantly (ie getting married, moving in, or having children).
What does pre-marriage Counselling look like?
“An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.”, those are the wise words of U.S. founding father, Benjamin Franklin.
Pre-marriage counselling is like having travel insurance or learning to drive. Sure, you most likely won’t need emergency hospital cover in Thailand, and yes, some people already know how to drive, but both strategies are still highly recommended!
Doing some work before you make the big commitment(s) with me would include:
- Finding out what your dominant ego states are (Transactional Analysis)
- A look at the differences in the family systems that the two of you experienced in childhood
- Working out any unique or individual differences between you (such as parenting styles or financial outlooks etc.)
- Deep dive into your values and triggers
You will also learn what your Schemas are (these are automatic behavioural responses), what enmeshment and co-dependency are, and learn skills like validation, better communication, and the 24-hour rule.
You will learn more about yourselves, and what you both need.
So, give yourselves the best chance by investing some time and money now, I can assure you that trying to learn all this while also wrangling small children is no easy matter.
You also want to do everything you can to avoid being a “two ships in the night” couple with kids in their late teens or early 20s.
And remember, it isn’t about changing either of you, it is about helping you to grow as individuals and as a couple (which, ironically, will create change).
