If you were to travel to a faraway country where English was not the main language, let’s say Sweden for example, before you left on your trip you’d likely be prepared for the different communication experience you were about to have, right?
Aside from maybe trying to learn a few simple words in the new language, maybe ‘hello’ and ‘thank you’ etc., you might look at using a translation app to help you communicate with the Swedish people.
You don’t expect the people there to be able to understand you, and you don’t have expectations of being able to pick up what they are saying to you in their language. It would be ridiculous not to expect communication troubles…we speak different languages!
Linguist and author Deborah Tannen believes men and women also speak in very different ways (even when using the same language).
I’ve just finished reading her book ‘You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation’ and I thought I would share a couple of examples from the book that show how we communicate in very different ways.
And, the main point is learning how we can help our relationships with the opposite sex by getting a better understanding of these differences.
Deborah first gives this example:
A married couple was in a car when the wife turned to her husband and asked, “Would you like to stop for a coffee?”
“No, thanks,” he answered truthfully. So they didn’t stop.
The result? The wife, who had indeed wanted to stop, became annoyed because she felt her preference had not been considered. The husband, seeing his wife was angry, became frustrated. Why didn’t she just say what she wanted?
Unfortunately, he failed to see that his wife was asking the question not to get an instant decision but to begin a negotiation. And the woman didn’t realize that when her husband said no, he was just expressing his preference, not making a ruling.
When a man and woman interpret the same interchange in such conflicting ways, it’s no wonder they can find themselves leveling angry charges of selfishness and obstinacy at each other.
That is a great example of how a couple can misunderstand each other, especially around what their intentions are when they initiate a conversation.
It’s like not taking into account that the Swedish person you are trying to communicate with when you get to Stockholm doesn’t understand a word of English and you start getting frustrated with them!
Imagine what a difference it would make if the husband and wife understood that they have different communication techniques and styles and worked with the differences instead of being oblivious to them.
While this next text from Deborah’s book is a wonderful example of validation, and how sometimes we men struggle with providing women with the responses they need, although our intentions are good.
Eve had a benign lump removed from her breast. When she confided to her husband, Mark, that she was distressed because the stitches changed the contour of her breast, he answered, “You can always have plastic surgery.”
This comment bothered her. “I’m sorry you don’t like the way it looks,” she protested. “But I’m not having any more surgery!”
Mark was hurt and puzzled. “I don’t care about a scar,” he replied. “It doesn’t bother me at all.”
“Then why are you telling me to have plastic surgery?” she asked.
“Because you were upset about the way it looks.”
Eve felt like a heel. Mark had been wonderfully supportive throughout her surgery. How could she snap at him now?
The problem stemmed from a difference in approach. To many men, a complaint is a challenge to come up with a solution. Mark thought he was reassuring Eve by telling her there was something she could do about her scar. But often women are looking for emotional support, not solutions.
A couple of great examples of communication going wrong, despite there being absolutely no ill intent.
These examples show some of the potential benefits of relationship therapy. In my work, I try to help couples understand both the fundamental differences between the sexes, as well as the nuanced differences between the two people in the relationship (so, both nature and nurture differences).
It is important to feel skilled and knowledgable in our pursuits and given the gravity of intimate relationships I cannot understate the importance of continued growth and development here.
There is always more to learn and space to grow, you aren’t the finished product and neither is your relationship.
