This movie scene gives a great example of invalidation
Validating and invalidating others, especially those we love, can make a profound impact. If you validate someone’s emotions they will tend to feel more safe and connected to you.
Invalidate another person, especially someone who you have an emotional relationship with, and they will start to close up, they might even feel frustrated, or disappointed in you.
In my counselling work, I ask my clients to watch these Must-See Validation videos. These are great examples of the power of validation and they show how to do it.
I try to help my clients understand just how powerful (and easy) validating others can be.
What does invalidating look like?
So, we have videos showing how to do it, but sometimes we need to see how not to do something to learn a better way.
By chance, my wife and I clicked on a movie title on one of the streaming services and found the 2017 film ‘The Neighbor‘. I’m not going to critique the film, but we were both left disappointed!
Nevertheless, the film does give this straight out-of-the-box perfect example of invalidation.
In this short clip (forgive the poor video recording quality), you can see the main character ‘Mike’ bring his concerns about the behaviours and personality of their neighbour ‘Scott’ to his wife ‘Lisa’.
Mike said that “he’s not a good guy”, that “there is something about him”, and that their son ‘Alex’ (who Scott has befriended) should “be careful around him”.
So, you could assume that he’s feeling anxious and worried for the welfare of both their son and also for Scott’s wife, ‘Jenna’ (Mike had previously overheard a heated fight between her and Scott).
Lisa’s response is straight out of the big book of invalidating responses! She dismisses and downplays Mike’s feelings and concerns. She says that their son should be left to make up his mind (essentially dismissing him as a parent and a person).
I don’t know about you, but I think it is fair to assume that Mike was left feeling isolated, unheard, and frustrated after this interaction.
What could Lisa have done better?
A validating response from Lisa to her husband could have been along the lines of “It looks like there’s something about him that has made you feel uneasy,” following that up with something like “What has made you feel this way about Scott?”.
By being engaged and validating, Lisa could have given Mike the chance to share more about what he had witnessed, etc. The discussion could have then revolved around the safety of their son, even though just one parent held those concerns, and what they should be on the lookout for (teamwork and agreement).
Validation is something anyone can do, it costs nothing and leads to so many good outcomes.
